I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize