Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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