Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize