I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
