She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
