Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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