New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
