can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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