sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
