I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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