oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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