You made me cry and you don't even care
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
