I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
BRING THE BAGELS
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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