There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
