I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
