The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
