I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
