Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize