that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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