Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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