I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize