mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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