May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
