got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
