I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
