I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
