i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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