I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize