hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
