Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
