At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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