I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
