Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
