Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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