Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i've created a new STD.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
