Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
