wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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