I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
