dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
