I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
