Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
