so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
