So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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