life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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