go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
