Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
