Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
