Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
