You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
