why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
