so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i think im in europe. pls send help
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