So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
