Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
