Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
