this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize