Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
