if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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