Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
