We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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