If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
